Despite portraying the image on a daily basis that I have everything ‘together’ all the time and that I am organised and mature, there are times when even little old me wishes the ground would swallow me up! And because life has a way of really smacking you in the arse when these moments occur, there is always an audience. And the audience tends to be an attractive male!
We’ve all been there, whether it’s something minor like walking out of the toilets on a first date with toilet tissue trailing from the heel of your shoe or something more mentally damaging such as calling your date “mum” in the case of my friend George! (sorry George!).
In the past few weeks I seem to be accumulating a few too many tales of cringe, so rather than hide away for the rest of my life I may as well share – and then you won’t feel alone next time you fall over on the dance floor when holding eye contact with the cute guy across the room.
What feels like the worst one to me right now is the reason I haven’t spoken to The Boy in the past few weeks and didn’t call two days later as planned to arrange to meet. I was still hiding my head under a pillow in a darkened room!
I won’t go in to the details of how we ended up chatting or how the conversation started but in my defense I was in a pub and it felt like a good idea at the time (as so many wine fuelled ideas do). We got onto the subject of fancy dress parties as I was hashing out outfit ideas with some friends at the time. The theme was movies. The Boy is in the services, is dark-haired, gorgeous and owns a pair of aviators, so of course in my head he turned into Maverick from Top Gun. I suggested he join me at said party and buy a flying suit so he could come as said Tom Cruise character. I then proceeded to use actual lines from the film as chat up lines. The phrase “take me to bed or lose me forever” should never be used. Ever! Although at this point I blame him for making me worse as his reply was “show me the way home honey…”
The rest of the conversation I cannot bring myself to re-type but to give the general gist I managed to reference ‘great balls of fire’, ‘you’ve lost that loving feeling’ and even ’danger zone’ in the next half an hour as well as telling him I wanted his body because I was drunk and horny! We were supposed to meet for brunch two days later. I didn’t call him and he didn’t call me. We have had no contact since as I’m still cringing and he probably thinks I’m a loon! That’s one way to draw a line under our nearly-relationship, he won’t go out with me now will he?!
Alcohol tends to be a common factor in cringey moments. Like Friday when I was supposed to be meeting a group of mates for a day’s drinking in the sunshine. I text the guy that organised it to say “I’m waiting for you sexy bum, where do you want me to be?” which in itself is not embarrassing because he’s an old mate and we always joke around like that. The cringey bit was realising that the bloke from the ‘Click and Un Click’ blog has the same name (and surname) as my friend and I’d text the wrong person. I text an apology straight away and didn’t hear any more until I was in a cab home at the end of the night and wrong guy text me. I of course thought it was my friend. It took 6 messages for me to realise my error. I should really delete wrong guy’s number now.
Alcohol the same weekend was also blamed for the FwB accusing me of being a cartoon character after I flew out of sight as we were walking down the road chatting to him. I would love to blame the high heels but I was in ballet pumps. I styled it our though and didn’t actually fall over, just stumbled, hit a curb and took off. And I got a round of applause from the smokers outside the bar we were walking past. I think he probably cringed more than me at that point, I felt fine! It’s easy with a guy you’re not trying to impress, you can make a complete tit of yourself and not die of embarrassment. And after this many years nothing I do or say tends to attract any more than a resigned sigh and a slight shake of the head from him. So maybe that’s the key. It’s something to do with a hormone imbalance when you fancy someone which turns you into an accident prone fruit-loop? Or maybe the attraction pheromones throw all your internal balance out of whack?
Or, it’s just one of life’s little inevitabilities that when you mix alcohol and a mobile phone you will invariably spend Sunday’s hiding under a duvet wishing it was all a bad dream!
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