I have been cursed with the flu for the last 5 days and have found myself somewhat bored at home. There are only so many times you can update your status on Facebook, chat to strangers on Twitter and Google your own blog address. So bored was I even Snape Maltings food and Drink festival 2011 got a good 20 minutes. It takes 5 gallons of milk to produce 5-6 pounds of Suffolk blue cheese, thank god for intensive influenza, what did I do before knowing such facts?
Once I had exhausted all avenues of cheese making and traditional East Anglian Morris dancing, I thought I might check my online dating account. It was then that a rather unsettling thing happened. I got an email from a man I liked the look of and we chatted briefly via email, we exchanged pleasantries and talked about what we did for a living, where we lived etc. It was about 5 minutes into the conversation that it dawned on me. The moment of realisation that told me, like a neon light through the cyber fog. It was then that I realised … I had been on a date with the man before, the very same. We had sat and talked face to face for a whole evening before and it took 10 minutes of conversation, 3 profile pictures and a page of personal information to realise it. On the plus side I am nothing if not consistent, on the minus, sweet Jesus how long have you got to have been on a site to start digging up dead wood?!
I needed to leave, I needed a new avenue of boyfriend finding. Like sitting in the same bar at 34 I had my 18th birthday in, I decided I needed to settle the bill, drink up and get myself to a brand new grown up members club.
So, with time on my hands I started to research other potential sites that may be compatible with my requirements. Foolishly I would have ball parked at there being about 30 dating sites in total to choose from. Not so; it appears that since the days of my last searching for sites there has been a revolution. God forbid you just want a normal date, from a normal site with a normal guy.
A date you say? Would that be a Christian date, a Gothic date, an Hispanic date, a date with an Indian gentleman, or someone Interracial, Italian perhaps, or maybe Jewish, what about the Military, or a Mormon, Millionaire, Nudist , Pet Lovers, Senior, Single Parent, Smoking, Sugarbaby, Sugardaddy, Tall, Mature, because fear not, there’s a dating site for every one of them!
Woohoo, back up. A Smoking dating site?? Christian I understand, Jewish, Hispanic, Nudist even, but smoking? –
‘Wouldn’t it be great, to find a dating site that actually caters for smokers. A place where you can let your hair down and light up!’
How many frigging fags do you need to smoke to make it not just a option when meeting a partner but the priority, Where would you go on your date, the park, a bus shelter, behind the bike sheds?!
And if that’s not quite specific enough for you how about lovemelovemydog.co.uk ‘online dating exclusively for dog lovers wanting to meet people who have their pet’s best interest at heart’.
I’m sure I don’t need to reiterate my thoughts on canine companions and my feelings that men who so much as mention their ‘best friends’ in a profile should be banished to singledom forever. But to actually advertise yourself as one of them? It’s too terrifying for words. I perused the members wanting to see inside this vile and offensive site for myself and happened upon Morris54 as my first profile. Age – 41. Dog – Labrador. Lives – Barking. I wish I was joking; the man lives in Barking, I wonder if he likes having his tummy rubbed and getting doggy biscuits when he’s good. First date? – Walkies!
Love a fireman? Try uniform.com (though beware the traffic warden on page 6, think he slightly missed the point). Like a fatty? You’ll find everything you need at cuddlyfreeandsingle.co.uk or perhaps you’re a bit of a wallflower? Fear not, we’ve got your number too at shyunited.com!
‘The positive website for people who are shy, socially anxious, socially isolated, have low self esteem, no self confidence and are interested in self help.’
Wow, that’s some kind of starting point for a healthy, balanced relationship; I bet their single nights are a barrel of laughs, first date? ‘You come to mine, no you come to mine, no please you come to mine, no, no you come to mine….stop it you’re scaring me, no you’re scaring me more…’ shy dating? Now why didn’t I think of that?
If you thought being shy was an imposition try being dead, or as good as. Till-death-do-us-apart.com anyone? Are you on your death bed with absolutely no chance of getting better, hardly able to move or speak and have to be fed through a tube. Well we know just what you need, a date! The world’s first and only dating site for the terminally ill. I trust you can pay weekly.
If you’re not on your deathbed however you might fancy a bit of sex. It’s a pretty standard part of a relationship for most people (unmarried at least). I like to think of myself as pretty up there sexually and don’t mind the idea of a bit of cyber sex from time to time. But pray, let me ask you, just how much must you love arseholes to join analloverdating.co.uk?
‘If you are a person who loves anal sex, how about you stop yourself getting involved with someone who won’t try it? It is a tricky question on the first date. With anal lover you can hook up with like-minded men and women who have told us they all love anal sex!’
A tricky question on the first date?? That’s got to be the understatement of the century. And I struggle to imagine telling people I met someone on Match.com.
There is an abundance of sex sites online, from fetish dating to illicit affairs, adult dogging (and no we’re not talking Labradors this time) to the orally obsessed. Good old cupid caters for them all. He’s even remembered the amoebas amongst us and supplied those who’d rather read with a chance to meet other readers/sewers/TV watchers, asexualitic.com ‘Join today and find a partner to build a platonic sex-free relationship with’. Whoop de do. Excuse me while I go and slam my head in the door, this internet dating lark is hard work; the very least I want out if it is too get bloody laid.
Lastly and perhaps most obscurely of all. The mother of all random dating sites, the ‘embarrassing bodies’ of online hooking up; STDmatch.com.
‘Connect with singles who share your STD’s and join the largest dating site for singles with sexually transmitted diseases.’
Questions include height, eye colour, job, age, STD – do you have, HSV 1 (herpes- usually cold sore), HSV2 (herpes usually genital) HPV, HIV, Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C, Chlamydia, Thrush, Syphilis, Gonorrhoea? … Genital herpes! Oh my God, no way, me too, fantastic let’s date, when did you get yours? How big are your sores? Do they weep? I can’t believe this, we have so much in common! WHO? WHY? Thrush, it’s not even sexually transmitted! Why would you join a dating site and look for someone specifically with Thrush?? And don’t even get me started on ‘Other’ –
“Hi there, thanks for hotlisting me! Wow so you have Other, a disease I’ve never heard of and I thought I was the queen of STD’s, thought I’d had em’ all. If you’re not put off by the fact that there’s some incurable vaginal disease out there I haven’t been carrying around with me since 1992 then we should meet.
Call me narrow minded, call me naïve or ignorant but really, I’m just not feeling it. It’s not so much the STD I have the problem with (though let’s face it, you’d rather pass), it’s the public announcement, the defining moment when you stand up and say ‘Hello, world, I am Gonorrhoea’.
My investigation into broadening my horizons left me confused. More about the human species than anything else. And for now I have two main wishes. Firstly that one day soon a perfectly nice chap without a terminal illness, dog obsession or STD might bump into me in the street and ask me for a nice quiet drink. Secondly that nobody pulls up my laptop history anytime soon. Sweet Jesus how did it come to this?
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